I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I am writing this blog post from a very raw place this morning. Before I've had time to truly heal and really think things through. Before I've had time to be on my knees in hours of prayer. Why would I do that? Because I think it's important for everyone to see that the people we go to for advice don't always have our stuff together. Sometimes we fall apart just like everyone else.
And right now, I am falling apart just a little bit.
Dating is not an easy thing. It leaves us open and vulnerable, and when we get hurt, it rips us apart sometimes. This was one of those times. I believed I was building something with someone, and he ran away from me when he got scared that we were getting too close--just when it came time to be exclusive. So instead, he decided to date someone else and forgot to tell me that it was happening until I had to ask what was going on.
So now I have some decisions to make about a relationship I've been in that just fell apart, and it's not going to be easy for me. I'm hurting, and I'm angry. We're broken up, and I have to decide my next steps. Do I allow the breakup to really happen, since he just started dating someone new? Or do I fight for this man to keep him in my life. This is a question complicated by a lot of psychology and history that is very personal to him and me, which is not anything I'm willing to make public. So I will ask that you trust me when I tell you that he is a good man with some commitment issues that are valid, that he has been honest about, and that he has to work through some unresolved things in his spirit. The details are his, and I respect that.
Now here is the lesson in all of this, because this isn't just a blog post about how my dating life is just a mess. It's in knowing that we're going to make a mess of things, even with God in our lives. Am I handling this breakup in all the right ways? I don't think so. Wait...I know I'm not. I'm still engaging in conversations with him about why. I'm running into the arms of another ex just to have comfort, even though that's not what I want (yes, functional decisions, I know). I'm making so many wrong choices. I'm struggling with prayer, because I'm angry with God. I'll admit it. I haven't had the best prayer time in the world. I'm crying in every spare alone moment I have. And yes, I'm considering fighting for the person who hurt me the most.
So that brings me to the question I'm struggling with right now...when do we forgive, and when do we forget? When do we make the decision to forgive a person and fight for them and when do we decide to forgive a person and move on. I know couples that have done both. How do I decide what this is? I know only God and I can work this out, and I know God and I will work it out in time. I know that God is going to let me make a mess of things, and He will help me clean it up. He aches with me, as a father will, and one day I will regret making him ache. Part of me already does. One day I will be stronger for all of this. I do know it.
So that is the lesson for today. I don't have it any more together than anyone else. None of us do. I just may have it more together tomorrow than you do, but today you may be more together than I am. It's how life goes. We all fall apart sometimes. We all have trauma and hurts. We all have moments when life goes down the toilet. We all fall apart and have to figure out how to pick ourselves back up. We all have those times when we have more questions than answers, and we can't seem to get beyond the questions to get back on track.
In those times, when the darkness seems stifling, all we can do is pray. Even when we don't want to. Even if it's just telling God how angry we are at Him, why we think He has betrayed us, why everything is the WORST...being on our knees is the right place to be. God hears us. He is listening. Eventually, we'll get back to the place where the darkness starts to lift, and we start listening back. I'm not there yet, but I know I will be. Eventually. One day. Hopefully sooner than later.
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