I have a holiday party tonight, and of course I had to RSVP to an invite that asked if I had a plus one. Once again my answer was "Nope." While I'm okay being single (really, I am), there's also this side of myself that is so tired of going to these things alone. I'm tired of going with my couples friends to a party hosted by couples, and this is even with friends that are amazing and non-judgemental. They don't care that I'm single or in a couple. They just care about spending time with me. The issue is me, and it's totally selfish.
Why am I calling myself selfish? I don't want to drive in the rain by myself (yes, rain...I don'tl live in a snowy climate. Sorry, cold-weather folks). I don't want to hang out with people talking about the things "they're" doing. I don't want to hear about "their" problems of how to navigate the holidays with "their" families.
Now this is totally hypocritical, because I know if I was in any of their shoes, I'd be discussing those things, too. I would, and I would do so in an absolutely unabashed fashion. So now I add guilt to the many negative holiday feelings flooding my inner self, because I know what a hypocrite I am.
Now I put on this happy face to everyone. I talk about how nice it is to not be tied to any of those "couple" problems. I smile and tell them it's great, just great. Part of me totally agrees. There is a large part of me that loves my singlehood. And yet...I am the one going home that night feeling alone and a little empty.
So now is when I pray. I don't know that I pray for a significant other, though. This is where I question this idea that we always have to pray for a person to come into our lives to fill that emptiness. I don't think we do, and I'm not sure that's what God really wants us to do.
We are called to ask God to fill our emptiness. There is no person that can fill a hole in our lives, in our hearts, or in our emotions like God. Even couples find themselves with emptiness sometimes. So, I pray that God fills this emptiness I feel during the holidays. That he takes the longing and allows me to channel it constructively.
It's not an easy things to be single during the holidays. It is, however, a good way to build yourself up, learn who you are, and find your own strength in you and in your relationship with God. You learn to be self-reliant. You learn to love God. You learn more about yourself and your own life. So there are blessings in it. Maybe the no-bae blues aren't so bad after all.
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